An Unexpected Ending

My first day back in Del Mar in another trio. All I can say is I was pumped. Those four weeks were a huge whirlwind of events and exchanges and meetings and trainings and we just went with it. My time there didn't quite go as planned, that's for sure. I don't think I can adequately describe the thought processes I experienced or the struggle I was going through, but I do remember that I felt very hopeless. I felt like there was not a single soul that understood what I was going through. I hadn't ever really struggled with serious mental health issues before my mission, but it seemed like all of my weaknesses were being tried all at once and it was HARD. I struggled with a desire to get better as well, so that really didn't help. I remember having a few instances of some intrusive thoughts that took me totally by surprise and once it got to that point I knew that I needed more help than I was getting.

June 16th, 2019

We were teaching the coolest guy named Richard while I was in the young single adult ward and he was such an example to me of standing for what he knew to be right and true. Teaching him and getting to know him will always be something I am so grateful for. Richard entered the waters of baptism on Sunday, the 16th, and what a happy day that was. It also happened to be Father's Day. As many of you know, missionaries are now able to call home weekly, as well as on significant holidays. My companions and I called our families that afternoon after celebrating Richard's baptism and that was such a fun thing to be able to share with my family. But that day also felt very heavy. My family didn't know what I was going through at the time, I mean I didn't quite know how to tell them, so they had lots to say about how happy I looked, how good I was doing, etc. That was pretty hard to take considering I was not okay and happy was pushing it. I definitely had times of pure joy as a missionary because it is God's work and it is such a blessing, but being happy with myself was few and far between. That day I started some destructive and unsafe habits that took me completely by surprise and, unfortunately, didn't end there.

June 18th, 2019

We had transfers 2 days later and I was getting moved, again, but back to Escondido (my first ward) in a new area with a new companion. Her name was hermana Allen and I was SO excited to be her companion. Not only that, but my girl hermana Cruz and another favorite of mine, hermana Mccray, were in our ward as well. This was the dream ward share, lemme tell ya. We were about to get a new mission president, which is seriously the saddest, hardest, most exciting and nerve-wracking thing there is as a missionary, and I was scared to death. My first mission president knew me so well he probably knew me better than I knew me. The thought of getting a new one that knew nothing was both comforting and terrifying. A week into the transfer was his release date so as excited as we were for all the change, it was hard to accept the inevitable.

Four days before he was supposed to go home, hermana Cruz became concerned when she found out some of the things I had been doing and told me to go to our mission president. I told him the next day and he expressed some of the most pure love and concern I have ever felt. The church has some policies to keep missionaries safe and when there is a concern for safety, they have to be notified. President notified mission department with what was going on and told me there was a chance that I would have to go home. Luckily, he put in place a really good support team for me so that I could work through it and finish my mission with approval from the mission department. I cried real hard that day because what a miracle.

The rest of that transfer I worked really hard to do better and be the best missionary I could be. Hermana Allen and I saw so many miracles because of that first one at the beginning of the transfer and I look back on that time and am always amazed. God really is so good and he blessed us so much. We got our new mission president and the entire mission was excited and nervous for what would come. We knew there would be changes, but we were ready. The new missionaries from the Irvine side of the mission brought new learning opportunities as well as a different energy.

I struggled at first knowing that this new president knew so much and yet so little about who I was and I was afraid that he would judge me just based on what he had been told about my situation, but he did the opposite. He trusted me and my previous president and kept pushing me to be better. Because of that, I was transferred in an unexpected mini transfer we had 5 weeks into mine with Hermana Allen. That was the hardest thing. Hermana Allen was so good for me and was such a light and I felt like I had finally gotten control of everything that it was almost like the rug had gotten completely ripped from underneath me. I remember thinking things like "If God really knew what I was going through, he would've left me where I was" and "Why would He keep putting people in my path to help and trust only to have them taken away?" I was very angry with God and that made me feel even worse.

Me and 3 other hermanas were transferred to various parts of the mission to begin mixing the missionaries from Irvine and Carlsbad. There were still 2 weeks left in the transfer, but it felt like a whole new one. I think out of anger and frustration and a few other things I went back to those behaviors and only lasted 2 weeks in San Clemente, my last area. The Lord still continued to bless me, though, even when I was angry with him. He put me in San Clemente with the kindest, most amazing hermana I could've been given as a companion. Hermana Ploeger was so understanding and loving. It is amazing to me how quickly you can grow to love a person, but she was an immediate sister to me.

She expressed concern to my mission president at the beginning of my second week with her and by Wednesday he called me saying that mission headquarters was putting me on a flight home the next day. I was so confused! I didn't understand why the one thing I had dreamed about for my entire life was suddenly over. And especially like this. I had no idea what I was going to tell my family and friends. I was distraught for a good few hours that night. I pleaded so much with my Heavenly Father that he would change their minds and I would be able to stay and finish the last few months of my mission. I loved it so much that I couldn't imagine having it end this way. Obviously that wasn't His will and I did end up returning home. As difficult as it was to accept that part of the Lord's plan for me, I knew that He knew better and I needed to be still and know that He was aware of me and He knew the end from the beginning, no matter how unexpected it might be.

August 1st, 2019

As heart-wrenching as it was the night before, I can say that the peace that filled me as I returned home was overwhelming. I woke up that morning with a sadness in my heart that I still feel sometimes, but with a love and gratitude for the things that I was able to learn and experience during my time as a missionary. I put my badge on for the last time and got on a plane to see my family. I missed them so much ad having a huge welcome party at the airport was exactly what I needed. I felt loved and supported that day. Although my mission didn't end the way I thought it would, the Lord works in mysterious ways and He had it all planned out so perfectly for me.