Out Of My Hands

 It has been a super long time since I've shared anything here and I don't have a solid reason for that except that I haven't felt like I've had anything worthwhile to say. Recently I've had some heavy thoughts and feelings weighing me down and I think it's time to drop a little bit of that weight. 

I want to start by saying that I have the most amazing family and friends that love me no matter what. Obviously we have our struggles, but I still know I can always count on them to be there when I stumble. It's made a pretty personal battle lately seem a lot less daunting. I'm still not good at articulating this even though I've shared it plenty of times, but I'll do my best. 

I identify as part of the lgbtq+ community. I don't have a label and I'm perfectly content with that. I don't feel a need because it really doesn't matter to me and it shouldn't matter to anyone else. It has taken me SO LONG to be okay with this. And I mean years. I'm actually grateful that it did take me that long because it allowed me adequate time to understand it and accept this part of me. But I guess that's just it, a part of me. It doesn't change who I am as a person, friend, sister, daughter. It doesn't change the way I treat others or the way I expect to be treated. All it does is allow me to feel free to be every part of me, not just the part that I want people to see. My soul feels more at peace now than I think it ever has and I have more love and respect for myself than before. 

There's a song that has been on repeat in my playlist for months now called "Out of My Hands" by Jeremy Camp. I'll share the chorus.

"So when it feels like all of this pain is never gonna end

Brought to my knees by all of these things I don't understand,

I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand

Out of my hands and into Yours, out of my hands and into Yours"

I guess I've just felt freed by this song because it's become an anthem for me. There have been so many days and nights that have taken me to my knees feeling so broken and alone and angry and it feels like the weight is just too much to bear. I felt angry with God for a long time for allowing this to be. Then I remember that He can take it out of my hands. He won't take it away (let's be real. "Pray away the gay" is not a real solution friends) but I can handle it with Him. Even though I forget this often, I have been able to practice time and again and each time I do, He has not let me down. My Heavenly Father has been there, even if it's been a long time since I've talked to Him, He is there ready to hear my pleas. Jesus has been there to lift me and love me when I've felt so unlovable. I didn't feel deserving of that love until I started to let them in to my struggles and give it up to them. I can't say I didn't see this part of myself as a flaw or a mistake for a while but he showed me that I am neither of those things. I was made in the image of a loving God that knows the end from the beginning. I do not understand all things in this life, but I know I will one day and everything of this life will make sense. 

Remembering those things has been so instrumental in my self-acceptance journey. The love of family and friends has been equally instrumental. The most valuable thing has been learning to love myself. I've been on a journey to do that for a really long time. With my eating disorder and self-harm struggles I felt a lot of self-hate and anger. If I hadn't gone through those things, I never would've been in a place to accept myself now. 

I feel peace. I am so happy. I'm in a better place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than I have been in a long time. I have truly come to know God and Christ in an intimate way that teaches me everyday. They are so much more loving and merciful and understanding than we give them credit for and that has made all the difference in my life. I love myself and hope that others will choose to see my journey and the journey of others as opportunities for love and understanding. Differences make us strong and more like the Savior. I am going to strive for that forever, no matter what my life looks like. 

Kami