Control

Coming home was really difficult for me. I wouldn't even say that any one thing made it hard, but it's just hard and I really struggled for a while. It was a very internal struggle, though. I had amazing friends who were right there to support me and love me and be there when I needed them, but I didn't know how to let myself have a hard time. A large part of the reason I developed an eating disorder was because I never learned to let people see my struggle and I kept it all inside. I don't think I made a conscious decision to do that, but it's hard to be vulnerable. I don't like to be weak or feel weak, even though it wasn't about me being weak. I always looked at other people who shared their pain and weaknesses as such strong examples to me, so why could I not see myself that way?

In church today I was really impressed by the sacrament prayer to bless the water.

"O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee, in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this water to the souls of all those who drink of it, that they may do it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them; that they may witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them. Amen."

When Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for each of us, he had to descend below all things to get to where we are and would be in this life. He had to feel weakness and vulnerability and shame and guilt and all things that make it so hard to share who we really are and what we really feel. But we don't look down on him for having to do that because He did it for us and He did it to understand us. So why do we judge ourselves so harshly for getting to experience and feel something that brings us a better understanding of the Savior and his grief and sorrow and pain? Why don't we let ourselves see that our struggles help prepare us for the chance to help other people that cross our path? We get amazing chances to be like Christ because of our weaknesses and trials and vulnerabilities in the lives of others. I have seen time and time again how many people my experiences can bless because they are constantly being put in my life.

I still am not very good at allowing others to see me at my lowest points, but I am learning that that is what it means to minister and to love as the Savior does. I have had so many people minister to me during this time and I hope each one of you knows how grateful I am to you. There aren't enough words to express the strength you give me.

After a few months of being home with nothing getting much better, I entered an Eating Disorder treatment facility for a few weeks. That was HARD. Feeling afraid of letting people see my struggle, I was literally thrown into the fire and expected to be so vulnerable with people I didn't even know. But the coolest thing about that facility was the fact that each one of those people understand exactly what I was going through. There were many times that I felt inadequate in my struggles. How ironic is that? I didn't even feel that I could do a good enough job at struggling to need this kind of help. But I learned, with the help of the Savior, that my struggle is mine and it doesn't have to compare to anybody else's.

Control is something I struggle with. I really like having control of everything and knowing how and when things will happen and giving that up to someone else is just kinda the worst. Knowing that Christ knows what I'm going through for some reason makes it even harder for me to give up control to Him and allow Him to take it away. It's almost like I don't feel worthy enough for Him to take it away. There's a song that I loved on my mission that really speaks to my heart about how much the Savior can carry.

Here I am
All my intentions
All my obsessions
I want to lay them all down
In Your hands
Only Your love is vital
Though I'm not entitled
Still You call me Your child

God You don't need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

God You don't need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control
I give You control

I've had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You're behind and before me
Oh, help me believe

He helps me believe everyday by lifting me up and helping me rise about this world to be closer to Him and His spirit. He gives me constant reassurances that He is there and He takes things away. But sometimes He doesn't take it away and I am learning to be okay with that. He takes control, but sometimes that means being okay with keeping the pain for a little longer to learn from it. He knows all that. And He loves us anyway. 

Kami