The Hand of God

I found this painting while I was serving my mission and it quickly became my favorite of the Savior. I remember seeing it at a very low time and I felt that it embodied just how much I needed Him to pull be out of the things I was drowning in. When it felt like there was so much pulling me deeper and deeper into darkness and fear and frustration, there He was standing over me reaching out His hand to lift me back to where I needed to be. But, in all honesty, there were times when it felt like His hand was just out of my reach. I knew it was there, but I couldn't find it.

There were many times where I would try and share some of my struggle with others and the advice they gave was to pray harder, study more, or have a little more faith. I can't tell you how much that hurt me. There I was as a missionary, trying to be as faithful as I had ever been in my life, and I was facing something harder than I ever had before. You're telling me I needed to have more faith? That I needed to pray more? I had to remind myself often, with the help of others in my support system, that you can't always pray it away. You can't always wake up one morning with your burden lifted or your wounds magically healed. I wish that were true all the time, but then I'm thankful for the struggle because that is where we are made. 

I remember one particular day at the beginning of my mission when I had just had it. The language was hard, we weren't teaching anyone, I was exhausted, I felt so alone, and I decided to pray. I went to my closet and closed the door and knelt down and pleaded with the Lord to give me comfort or strength or some kind of sign that He was there. I knew He was there because I knew the doctrine of Him and His love, but I felt NOTHING. So I tried again. And I waited. And again, nothing. 

There's a scripture I love in 1 Nephi 4:6-7 that says,

"And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth."

Nevertheless, I went forth. I love that. Nephi knew what he was being asked to do, but it didn't really make sense. He couldn't see what the Father could see or why. But instead of questioning it and murmuring like his brothers, he went and did what the Lord commanded of him. 

In a way, that day was my "nevertheless" moment. I was frustrated by my struggle to feel close to God, even as a missionary, and I couldn't see what He could that was waiting for me if I kept going. Without even realizing, I did keep going. I chose to move even when I didn't get what I thought I needed. He gave me what I actually needed instead and that was a chance to exercise my faith that He was there and He did hear me, but His answer was going to come in His time. His hand was always there, waiting for me to realize it. I didn't need some big lightning strike sign, I just needed to be still and wait for His timing. 

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the Hand of God. That it really is always extended to each of us in every moment of our lives if we will simply reach up and wait for His time. He is a loving, merciful, forgiving God who is powerful enough to overcome the deepest of waters full of sin and pain and sorrow. He knows each of us by name and sees us for who and what we truly are. He created us in His image, and that doesn't only mean physically. It means our character and personality is patterned after His and we have every ability to become more and more like Him because of it if we choose. He really is always there. I testify that He lives and that He listens to our pleadings, even when the peace and healing doesn't come immediately. 

Kami